The EH&S Management Version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
(Disclaimer: My Daughter Loves Snow White, and I don't tell her this version of the story - I think she may never ask to hear it again if I did....that being said, any reference or likeness used in this post is used purely in good fun and parody - I'm actually a huge fan of the story and those who re-tell it so well.)
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Snow White who was un-willfully employed by her evil stepmother the queen. You see, they did not follow acceptable child labor laws, and she was forced to work all day long on the concrete steps in unsanitary conditions. She had no protective gloves for working with cleaning agents, no padding for working on concrete, and the work area was infested with all kinds of unsavory vermin (Woodland creatures are disease carriers).
And to top it off, she was forced to drink well water, and suffer sexual harassment advances from the local co-workers (not everyone thought he was so "Charming").
So, after an extensive Job Safety Analysis, the queen decided that Snow White's job posed too much risk to the organization, and decided to have her re-located - or killed - whichever would cost least to the company. The queen's huntsman took her to the woods, but couldn't complete his job assignment, so he let her go free. Perhaps if he had undergone more extensive Employee Training, he would have remembered the proper job steps for disposing of a princess - thus stressing the importance of continuous re-training of employees.
So, Snow White made her way to a new workplace environment - as a housemaid for a group of diminutive miners. The workplace was considerably unsanitary, and infested with even more variants of disease-carrying vermin (those Woodland Creatures followed her everywhere!).
But, it was good work and the pay was...well, she wasn't exactly paid. The Miners on the other hand, were working in a completely unsafe conditions, clearly violating the Federal Mine Safety Act of 1977. Lack of respirators, air shafts, Personal Protective Equipment, the list goes on. In addition it appeared that the work in the mine altered their brain chemistry - some were perpetually Happy, some were Grumpy, at least one was Sleepy and few had chronic back pain. I won't even touch on the one they called "Dopey" (too much mine dust if you ask me).
Well, one day a local apple processing plant (with similar unsanitary conditions) did not update their HACCP plan and missed a Critical Control Point that checked for magic sleeping poison. Not sure why you would keep that so close to a food plant - but we suspend disbelieve for fairy tales, right? Anyway, the failed control and inability of the Food Safety Management System to pick up on the adverse event resulted in a batch of bad apples making their way to Snow White's workplace. Snow White failed to properly wash the apple and consequently lapsed into a coma.
For fear of being sued, or violating policy by allowing tainted food into their work environment, the Miners rushed her into the middle of the woods and left her hidden from view. After all, they couldn't have the EPA, MHSA, OSHA, and the FDA coming in to audit them and find THAT.
In the end, one of her former co-workers who actually completed his emergency response training and was a Safety Leader within his division came to the rescue and revived Snow White (in his usual "Charming" fashion).
Incidentally, Snow White went on to sue the Apple Processing Plant, the Diminutive Miners, and her stepmother for violating 30 counts of Environmental, Safety and Heath Laws, endangering a minor, and attempted murder by a poorly trained huntsman.
In the end, Snow White took her settlement money and founded a very successful Environmental Health and Safety Management Consultant firm, helping various organizations and wayward orphan princesses to manage and streamline their EH&S Management Systems (billing at $6000/day, of course).
The End. Good Night, Kids!